It is June and I am wearing all black again. Not as a statement of fashion but as a symbol of mourning. I am counting again so I do not cry. There are three shovels here. There are three shovels and 129 people and 45 trees and a placeholder for a stone. I stand here now knowing what the value of dirt is. It is a place we can grow things in and it is a material we can build things with and it is also where we are putting you now. This dirt is teaching me what it means to bury your friend before you both could build a family. This dirt is not my friend but it is holding my friend now, which means the dirt and I have shared a deep bond, and I will have to learn how to like it when I come to this place again, and we will hold him together, and we will love him together, and we will be there for each other, this dirt and I, we will dig into this sad until we can be okay again.